Dead Dreams, Living Hope

   In light of some recent uncontrollable circumstances in my life, I have been forced to find a new dream for myself and my children. This ultimately includes a career. It had been my dream to be a permanent stay at home mom. I believed that it was my biblical role to be my children's sole caretaker.
   While that belief still rings true, it is not the reality of my life. The mental transition to this was a miserable one to make. I felt like I was being forced to abandon my children. I was being dragged against my will into a dungeon with no window. First and foremost, I was supposed to be a mother. How could I be a good, attentive, involved mother if I wasn't at home with my children every day? How could I possibly make them understand that not only was Daddy suddenly gone but Momma wasn't going to be there to kiss every scrape or read every book they fancied? I could find no answer to that. I was just going to have to treasure the remaining time I had at home before I took the plunge.
   Through this grief, I finally began to understand what my mother meant when she told me, "God does not give us grace for what if. He gives us grace for what is." This was just another aspect of my husband's choice to abandon our family. This was just another trial I would have to overcome because of my husband's sin. I faced it with great anger and resentment. I faced it with fear and disgust. Ultimately, I faced it because I had no other choice.
   I spent the better part of a year researching career opportunities. I learned the requirements be a lawyer, a personal assistant, a masseuse, a personal trainer, a therapist, an accountant...blah blah blah. The only career I didn't consider was a truck driver. As much as I love to drive, I don't see myself brushing my teeth in a public sink. ;)
   In the midst of this quest, there was one career that stuck in the back of my mind but I was too fearful to bring it out of the shadows. It was just too crazy. My abused mind convinced me that my family would laugh at me. I was certain they would dismiss the idea as impossible. After all, I had already convinced myself that I'd never make it through the required training. Why did I need anybody to affirm what I was already certain of? Still, it nagged at me.
   As this desire swelled with each passing siren, I began to recognize the abuse I had suffered at the hands of my husband. I saw the way he manipulated and deceived me. I understood that the voice in my heart telling me how useless and unloved I was did not come from my own mind. It came from love. A deeper love than you could imagine. Because I loved my husband far more than I loved myself, I accepted his words as absolute truth. My desire to please him was so deeply rooted in me that I even began to put myself down in his place. If I wasn't good enough for him to love me, I wasn't good enough for anything. I wasn't a good mother. I was fat and ugly. I was worthless...stupid...a waste of his time and energy...greedy and incapable of even picking out my own clothes.
   As the Spirit slowly revealed this abuse to me, He also began healing me. He allowed me to grieve the loss of my love and recognize truth. He showed me how to let go of the lies I had been fed day after day for 6 years. He reminded me of who He had created me to be. I desired, more than anything, to come out of my self-preserving bubble and do something daring and huge. To find the me that was once impulsive and courageous, whose mind and heart pushed her body fearlessly forward when others said, "No, you aren't capable". I wanted to be better, to believe in myself again. I wanted to be strong but most of all, I wanted to be free from the fear choking the very life from my heart.
   Yet, I wouldn't let myself. Each time these desires welled up in me, I squashed them. I ducked back into my cave and listened to the sneering, taunting voice of my once Beloved...'You don't matter.'... 'Your family will laugh at you.'...'That's not going to work.'...'You're crazy.'...'You're being stupid.'....'You can't do that!'.
   It was in one of these moments that I heard a still, small voice say, 'When has your family ever laughed at you?'
    DING DING DING. QUEUE THE LIGHTS, PEOPLE.
    I saw the brilliant light that only the Holy Spirit can bring into your life. My family was my safe place. Were they not the ones who God sent to rescue me when not only my life was in danger but the life of all three of my daughters? Were they not the ones who had powerlessly watched the horrific destruction of my marriage? These were the people who already knew my struggle. They already knew the heinous things that were said and done to me. They knew better even than I, that my mind accepted my husband's statements as absolute truth. Thankfully, they also knew my strength and my drive. They understood that my broken spirit and my Holy Spirit were at war.
   It was in this revelation that I found a measure of peace. My fear did not lesson. My anxiety didn't disappear. However, I could finally admit it to myself and my family. If I was to be forced to work away from my children, I didn't want to simply sit behind a desk and earn a pay check. I wanted a job that mattered. I wanted to be a Police Officer.
   I can't tell you that my family's reaction was over the top. Supportive? Absolutely! Was my Dad crazy about me having a job that requires a bullet proof vest? Not hardly! But they rallied. My parents were the backbone of my training. Daddy gave countless, much needed pep talks. Momma, with quite a few pep talks herself, was the ever-present caregiver of my girls while I spent 10-15 hours a day in training followed by countless hours of studying with a pinch of sleep thrown in.

For the record, fingerprint dust
gets everywhere!!

   Basic Law Enforcement Training was a Mount Everest for me. I went from doing very little exercise to an intense workout 4-5 times a week. My tired body ached hourly. My recovering mind struggled to focus on the countless paragraphs of law in front of me. I was convinced I would fail my weekly tests before they were ever placed in front of me. Yet, I pushed. The Spirit reminded me daily, "When have I ever set you up to fail?".  So, I found a partner who helped me study and work out. I found courage in my rising test scores and strength in my extra workouts. I even found myself enjoying my life. I, once again, found my God to be faithful.

   When my final, dreaded physical abilities test arrived, I passed. When I heard the passing time, I stood in amazement with laughter billowing from my soul.  All things are possible through Christ who strengthens me.
   My next step was to pass my state exam. The days prior are an incoherent blur. I recall some very long paragraphs, a few hours of sleep and a lot of pizza for dinner.
   When graduation day arrived, there was some confusion with my test scores and even as I stood ready to walk across the stage, I wasn't sure I'd be given the chance. There are no accurate words for that panic attack! My gracious Captain settled the issue for me and even gave me scores for each block of my test. I passed with flying colors. Have you heard the Hallelujah Chorus yet??

   June 4, 2015. I swelled with pride as I swore my oath to protect and serve. I smiled as Daddy pinned my badge on my shirt and cried when I looked into my proud mother's eyes while she held the Bible on which I placed my left hand. A moment I thought was completely impossible turned out to be my first breath in a brand new life. That was one moment that I began to accept what once represented the end of my life. I changed my mentality of being robbed of my dream to being blessed with a new one. I didn't have to lose my children. I had to adjust my entire life but my life is still in them. They are the most precious beings on this earth. I have done so much with so little because the vision of their tiny faces has put power in my step and the strength of a Holy God has renewed my mind.

...I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore, I have continued my faithfulness to you. 

Jeremiah 31:3