My Soldier has officially been home for a year.
If you are not a Military Wife, you have no idea what it really feels like to speak those words. You can't possibly understand the relief and joy in it nor can you understand the fear. Yes, I said fear.
The 'rule' in the Army is that, when Soldiers come home from deployment, they must be in the States for 12 months before they can deploy again. Now, as you can imagine, this rule is not always followed but in my Soldier's case, it has been. However, his 'safe' year is now over. Considering the unit my Soldier is in, it is possible, but not likely, that he will deploy again. (I am talking about deploying again before his contract is up in less than 2 years) Although, I cannot completely release myself to it, I find great joy in that. I love the unit my husband is currently in. His hours are not terribly long, we are able to sneak a lunch date on occasion, and, most of all, he enjoys it!
Now, I'm sure you're wondering why I cannot release myself to it. Well, half of that reason is simply because we are in the Army. We know how the Army operates and you NEVER know when orders will come down or what mood my husband's 'mistress' will be in from day to day. Anything is possible. However, I can guarantee that you have no idea what the other half is. It is guilt.
My husband has been home for a year. It has been a glorious year. He has finally been able to establish a true, deep love with our oldest daughter, Paige, and has been here for the birth of our second. With Taylor, he has been able to enjoy the things that he missed in Paige's babyhood. My husband and I have been able to reconnect and grow together. We have been able to become a family. But that doesn't answer that 'Why guilt?' question, does it?
I feel guilty because not all of my friends Soldiers have been home for a year and, those that have, will be leaving in a matter of months. Do you have any idea what those women would give to be in my shoes? I, who have no deployment looming on the horizon or orders to a distant land staring me in the face. I know that I will not get all of the details correct but let me try to give you a glimpse of how bad those women would wish to be me...
There is a fellow wife here who's husband came home with mine and decided to change his MOS. (change his occupation) He was home for a couple months and then left again for a few months of school. I believe he was able to come home on the weekends but all that really means is she may have gotten a full 24 hours with him every 6 days because he had to drive back and forth. I'm not sure when they came but, because of his new job, her husband received orders to go to Kuwait. I know they tried to fight those orders because the Army 'rule' is that he be home and safe for a year. They were basically told that there was nothing that could be done regardless of the 'rules'. Then, they got great news!! They're expecting a baby girl!! Now, I can tell you, as a wife who got the baby news after the deployment news, the deployment steals the joy of the baby. The first thought in your brain is 'No, please not now!'. Don't hear me wrong. She wants her baby and she is excited to be pregnant but she wants her husband home to meet their baby. She wants him here to enjoy everything with her. She wants to know that he will be here when their first daughter is born. She wants him to be safe. She can't have any of that. The only things she can do is cry, grieve and pray.
Another very good friend of mine, just had her first, adorable, baby girl. As before, her man came home with mine and his MOS changed. After being home for a short time, he went away to months of school in another state. He missed finding out that they were having a little pink bundle but, thankfully, he did make it home for the last months of her pregnancy and was here for her birth. However, he has another year long deployment staring him in the face. For the most part, his Army career has been a 'typical' one...home one year and gone the next. This year, he will miss so many of his baby girl's 'firsts'. He will not be here when she starts sitting up. He will miss her first steps and her first birthday. He will not hear her first word. My friend will have a love-hate relationship with these things. She will love that they are happening and will also grieve because of it. There will be a vast black hole in her life for yet another year and even the memories of these things will be tainted with the shadow of grief.
Sadly, I have many more but my last example is of a friend who's story is close to but longer than mine. She gave birth to her first baby boy on the day the men left for Iraq. Thankfully, her husband was able to stay but they did not know he would until, I believe, 48 hours before the scheduled departure time. Did I mention that she was in labor but had no baby at this point? With another gigantic thank you, Luke finally made his appearance after a long, horrendous labor and an emergency c-section. His Dad was able to stay for 2 or 3 weeks before meeting the 108th in Iraq. Deployment ended a little early and he was here for Luke's first birthday and was able to see his first 'official' steps but he missed everything in between. We wives called Luke our 'Deployment Baby'. We got excited every time he turned 1 month older because it meant we were one month closer to the end! Her and her Soldier now have their second baby boy, who is less than a month old, and guess what? Her husband has orders to Korea. He will be stationed there for at least a year but, what most people don't know is that Korea is not considered a deployment. It is a permanent duty station and it is possible for him to receive deployment orders while there and be gone for 2 years or longer. He missed everything with their first boy and now will miss everything again. Their second son will be around 2.5 months old when his Dad leaves and will be over a year when he returns, if no deployment orders are issued.
Again, words cannot express how happy I am to have my Soldier home but I also find guilt in my bliss. I mourn for my friends and I wish to take this burden and pain away from them. As a fellow Army wife, I know that I can 'understand' their pain but there is nothing that can be done about it. There are no comforting words to speak or letters to write. None of my hugs will replace his arms and, trust me, I will not be kissing them! I want to protect my friends from that horrible loneliness, the empty hole and the constant fear but I know I cannot.
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