I was visiting with some good friends of mine today and, while there, I realized something about myself. I have become a completely different person. By chance, we had a brief conversation about how different we are but it was something else that made my changes stand out to me.
My friend went into the kitchen to warm up a bottle for her son, who was laying on the couch next to me. When her baby started to fuss, I immediately reached over and picked him up. I cuddled him in my arms, held him close to my chest and talked to him. That is when I noticed how different I am.
I have always loved children. I love to talk with them and play around. I love their imaginations and their games. However, I have never been a baby person. Babies freaked me out, including my first niece and my friends' children. I had no idea how to change a diaper, soothe a crying baby or even the proper way to hold one. I would avoid any child younger than 2 years old. I gravitated toward any child who could tell me what they wanted and whom I could touch without feeling like I was going to break them.
I know that my big change comes from having children of my own. When I had Paige at 20, my Mom still had to teach me how to change her diaper. She taught me how to hold her and I had to learn ways to soothe her. I can honestly say that I am still not a 'baby person'. I do not coo at strangers babies nor do I stop to look at them. I'm sure that many people have found me very rude because I do not compliment their baby even though they are fawning over mine. I do not want to be rude at all but the thought to even look at their baby, much less compliment them, never even crosses my mind. However, I am now more than willing to help my friends. I now understand how wonderful it is to have a break from motherhood, even if it is a few short minutes of someone comforting your baby long enough for you to warm up a bottle.
I can say with confidence, that I will never be a 'baby person' but I adore my nieces and nephew and I love to help my friends with their children. I wish I could do it more often!
Thursday, March 29, 2012
March Status Report
I just wanted to update everybody on life. We've had some big changes in the past few weeks!!
The first big change was putting Paige in a twin size bed. In the course of a very short hour, our Paige's room transformed from a toddler's room to a little girl's room. The change was amazing and definitely took our breath away. Babyhood does not stay around long and it seems that Paige's was especially short because of Kyle's absence. She loves her new bed and, though it has been nearly a month, she continues to point it out to me 3-4 times a day and 'bed' is often the first word out of her mouth in the morning. I must say it's the cutest thing!
Of course, there are lots of changes with Taylor. First, we decided to call her by her name, Taylor and said goodbye to Ellie. Second, she is transitioning into sleeping much longer at night. She dropped her 3am feeding around 6 weeks and now, at 10 weeks, she is no longer interested in waking up at 10pm to eat. I must admit, this is a huge relief to me! When she was eating at 10, I had to push through my sleepy phase and wasn't getting into bed until 11:30 or later and it took me at least another hour or longer to fall asleep, only to wake up with her again at 7am. Let's just say that is no where near enough sleep for me!
We also had Taylor's 2 month check up where she tipped the scales at over 13 pounds and blew everybody out of the water with her 25.75 inches. I'm very happy to report that her health is picture perfect! The down side to the appointment was that she had to get her first round of shots. It never makes me cry when I have to watch them get shots but I always get a pain in my heart when the nurse requires me to hold their arms down and I feel them pull away as they get stuck. Oh, how I hate that part!!!
As of this morning, we hit another milestone with Taylor. She is rolling over on purpose! In the past week, we have found her on her belly in her crib a few times but her getting that way was always by chance. If you watch the video below, you can see that phase is now over.
Doesn't that video make you giggle?! Paige was absolutely positive that Taylor was not supposed to be on her belly. As you heard, at first, I stopped Paige from rolling her back over but then I gave in because it was too cute to stop and Paige wasn't hurting anything. She tends to be more rough with Taylor than I would prefer but what else can you expect from a 20 month old?!
Speaking of our 20 month old, Paige has reached a huge milestone at her young age. She is officially potty trained!!! Oh, what another huge relief and major chunk taken off of my plate. Thank you, Lord!!! It took her about 3 weeks, a lot of M&M's, quite a few accidents and some very confused tears but when it clicked, we were done. It is absolutely awesome! I am very impressed and extremely grateful that she is potty trained at 20 months old. Due to her very young age, I do not require that she be dry after naps or over night. I do expect her to tell me when she needs to go and to use her potty during the day but I do not think it's very fair to expect her to hold her bladder for 12 hours at night. However, she has taken it upon herself and is waking up dry from naps quite often and I always try to make a big deal out of it and reward her. I'm sure night time dryness will come when she's a little older and ready. I'm in no rush for it and am very, very proud of her!!
As for Kyle, he is currently kicking butt in Advanced SWAT School. Thankfully, this school is only 5 days long but it is frustrating because the days are very long and he has terrible cell service out there so our chatter is virtually non-existant. It never matters how long that man is gone, I miss him terribly!
As far as I go, I am doing well. I am still struggling with balancing 2 children and their completely different schedules, along with taking care of our home. Having Paige's potty training done is a huge encouragement and it has taken a large burden from me. I wish I had the words to explain how excited I am about that! I know that struggle is not going anywhere. It is something that comes along with wife/mother-hood. I am simply praying for a better handle on it.
On the whole, our family is blossoming. Paige and Taylor are growing like weeds and constantly changing. Kyle and I are happy and looking forward to whatever challenge Paige and Taylor throw at us next!
The first big change was putting Paige in a twin size bed. In the course of a very short hour, our Paige's room transformed from a toddler's room to a little girl's room. The change was amazing and definitely took our breath away. Babyhood does not stay around long and it seems that Paige's was especially short because of Kyle's absence. She loves her new bed and, though it has been nearly a month, she continues to point it out to me 3-4 times a day and 'bed' is often the first word out of her mouth in the morning. I must say it's the cutest thing!
 |
| Happy girl! |
 |
| I love the way her room turned out! |
 |
| I'm not going to wake up, Mom. |
As of this morning, we hit another milestone with Taylor. She is rolling over on purpose! In the past week, we have found her on her belly in her crib a few times but her getting that way was always by chance. If you watch the video below, you can see that phase is now over.
Speaking of our 20 month old, Paige has reached a huge milestone at her young age. She is officially potty trained!!! Oh, what another huge relief and major chunk taken off of my plate. Thank you, Lord!!! It took her about 3 weeks, a lot of M&M's, quite a few accidents and some very confused tears but when it clicked, we were done. It is absolutely awesome! I am very impressed and extremely grateful that she is potty trained at 20 months old. Due to her very young age, I do not require that she be dry after naps or over night. I do expect her to tell me when she needs to go and to use her potty during the day but I do not think it's very fair to expect her to hold her bladder for 12 hours at night. However, she has taken it upon herself and is waking up dry from naps quite often and I always try to make a big deal out of it and reward her. I'm sure night time dryness will come when she's a little older and ready. I'm in no rush for it and am very, very proud of her!!
 |
| We found that coloring was a great way to keep Paige occupied during the early days of potty training. It made for a hilarious picture! |
As far as I go, I am doing well. I am still struggling with balancing 2 children and their completely different schedules, along with taking care of our home. Having Paige's potty training done is a huge encouragement and it has taken a large burden from me. I wish I had the words to explain how excited I am about that! I know that struggle is not going anywhere. It is something that comes along with wife/mother-hood. I am simply praying for a better handle on it.
On the whole, our family is blossoming. Paige and Taylor are growing like weeds and constantly changing. Kyle and I are happy and looking forward to whatever challenge Paige and Taylor throw at us next!
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
The Guilt of an Army Wife
My Soldier has officially been home for a year.
If you are not a Military Wife, you have no idea what it really feels like to speak those words. You can't possibly understand the relief and joy in it nor can you understand the fear. Yes, I said fear.
The 'rule' in the Army is that, when Soldiers come home from deployment, they must be in the States for 12 months before they can deploy again. Now, as you can imagine, this rule is not always followed but in my Soldier's case, it has been. However, his 'safe' year is now over. Considering the unit my Soldier is in, it is possible, but not likely, that he will deploy again. (I am talking about deploying again before his contract is up in less than 2 years) Although, I cannot completely release myself to it, I find great joy in that. I love the unit my husband is currently in. His hours are not terribly long, we are able to sneak a lunch date on occasion, and, most of all, he enjoys it!
Now, I'm sure you're wondering why I cannot release myself to it. Well, half of that reason is simply because we are in the Army. We know how the Army operates and you NEVER know when orders will come down or what mood my husband's 'mistress' will be in from day to day. Anything is possible. However, I can guarantee that you have no idea what the other half is. It is guilt.
My husband has been home for a year. It has been a glorious year. He has finally been able to establish a true, deep love with our oldest daughter, Paige, and has been here for the birth of our second. With Taylor, he has been able to enjoy the things that he missed in Paige's babyhood. My husband and I have been able to reconnect and grow together. We have been able to become a family. But that doesn't answer that 'Why guilt?' question, does it?
I feel guilty because not all of my friends Soldiers have been home for a year and, those that have, will be leaving in a matter of months. Do you have any idea what those women would give to be in my shoes? I, who have no deployment looming on the horizon or orders to a distant land staring me in the face. I know that I will not get all of the details correct but let me try to give you a glimpse of how bad those women would wish to be me...
There is a fellow wife here who's husband came home with mine and decided to change his MOS. (change his occupation) He was home for a couple months and then left again for a few months of school. I believe he was able to come home on the weekends but all that really means is she may have gotten a full 24 hours with him every 6 days because he had to drive back and forth. I'm not sure when they came but, because of his new job, her husband received orders to go to Kuwait. I know they tried to fight those orders because the Army 'rule' is that he be home and safe for a year. They were basically told that there was nothing that could be done regardless of the 'rules'. Then, they got great news!! They're expecting a baby girl!! Now, I can tell you, as a wife who got the baby news after the deployment news, the deployment steals the joy of the baby. The first thought in your brain is 'No, please not now!'. Don't hear me wrong. She wants her baby and she is excited to be pregnant but she wants her husband home to meet their baby. She wants him here to enjoy everything with her. She wants to know that he will be here when their first daughter is born. She wants him to be safe. She can't have any of that. The only things she can do is cry, grieve and pray.
Another very good friend of mine, just had her first, adorable, baby girl. As before, her man came home with mine and his MOS changed. After being home for a short time, he went away to months of school in another state. He missed finding out that they were having a little pink bundle but, thankfully, he did make it home for the last months of her pregnancy and was here for her birth. However, he has another year long deployment staring him in the face. For the most part, his Army career has been a 'typical' one...home one year and gone the next. This year, he will miss so many of his baby girl's 'firsts'. He will not be here when she starts sitting up. He will miss her first steps and her first birthday. He will not hear her first word. My friend will have a love-hate relationship with these things. She will love that they are happening and will also grieve because of it. There will be a vast black hole in her life for yet another year and even the memories of these things will be tainted with the shadow of grief.
Sadly, I have many more but my last example is of a friend who's story is close to but longer than mine. She gave birth to her first baby boy on the day the men left for Iraq. Thankfully, her husband was able to stay but they did not know he would until, I believe, 48 hours before the scheduled departure time. Did I mention that she was in labor but had no baby at this point? With another gigantic thank you, Luke finally made his appearance after a long, horrendous labor and an emergency c-section. His Dad was able to stay for 2 or 3 weeks before meeting the 108th in Iraq. Deployment ended a little early and he was here for Luke's first birthday and was able to see his first 'official' steps but he missed everything in between. We wives called Luke our 'Deployment Baby'. We got excited every time he turned 1 month older because it meant we were one month closer to the end! Her and her Soldier now have their second baby boy, who is less than a month old, and guess what? Her husband has orders to Korea. He will be stationed there for at least a year but, what most people don't know is that Korea is not considered a deployment. It is a permanent duty station and it is possible for him to receive deployment orders while there and be gone for 2 years or longer. He missed everything with their first boy and now will miss everything again. Their second son will be around 2.5 months old when his Dad leaves and will be over a year when he returns, if no deployment orders are issued.
Again, words cannot express how happy I am to have my Soldier home but I also find guilt in my bliss. I mourn for my friends and I wish to take this burden and pain away from them. As a fellow Army wife, I know that I can 'understand' their pain but there is nothing that can be done about it. There are no comforting words to speak or letters to write. None of my hugs will replace his arms and, trust me, I will not be kissing them! I want to protect my friends from that horrible loneliness, the empty hole and the constant fear but I know I cannot.
If you are not a Military Wife, you have no idea what it really feels like to speak those words. You can't possibly understand the relief and joy in it nor can you understand the fear. Yes, I said fear.
The 'rule' in the Army is that, when Soldiers come home from deployment, they must be in the States for 12 months before they can deploy again. Now, as you can imagine, this rule is not always followed but in my Soldier's case, it has been. However, his 'safe' year is now over. Considering the unit my Soldier is in, it is possible, but not likely, that he will deploy again. (I am talking about deploying again before his contract is up in less than 2 years) Although, I cannot completely release myself to it, I find great joy in that. I love the unit my husband is currently in. His hours are not terribly long, we are able to sneak a lunch date on occasion, and, most of all, he enjoys it!
Now, I'm sure you're wondering why I cannot release myself to it. Well, half of that reason is simply because we are in the Army. We know how the Army operates and you NEVER know when orders will come down or what mood my husband's 'mistress' will be in from day to day. Anything is possible. However, I can guarantee that you have no idea what the other half is. It is guilt.
My husband has been home for a year. It has been a glorious year. He has finally been able to establish a true, deep love with our oldest daughter, Paige, and has been here for the birth of our second. With Taylor, he has been able to enjoy the things that he missed in Paige's babyhood. My husband and I have been able to reconnect and grow together. We have been able to become a family. But that doesn't answer that 'Why guilt?' question, does it?
I feel guilty because not all of my friends Soldiers have been home for a year and, those that have, will be leaving in a matter of months. Do you have any idea what those women would give to be in my shoes? I, who have no deployment looming on the horizon or orders to a distant land staring me in the face. I know that I will not get all of the details correct but let me try to give you a glimpse of how bad those women would wish to be me...
There is a fellow wife here who's husband came home with mine and decided to change his MOS. (change his occupation) He was home for a couple months and then left again for a few months of school. I believe he was able to come home on the weekends but all that really means is she may have gotten a full 24 hours with him every 6 days because he had to drive back and forth. I'm not sure when they came but, because of his new job, her husband received orders to go to Kuwait. I know they tried to fight those orders because the Army 'rule' is that he be home and safe for a year. They were basically told that there was nothing that could be done regardless of the 'rules'. Then, they got great news!! They're expecting a baby girl!! Now, I can tell you, as a wife who got the baby news after the deployment news, the deployment steals the joy of the baby. The first thought in your brain is 'No, please not now!'. Don't hear me wrong. She wants her baby and she is excited to be pregnant but she wants her husband home to meet their baby. She wants him here to enjoy everything with her. She wants to know that he will be here when their first daughter is born. She wants him to be safe. She can't have any of that. The only things she can do is cry, grieve and pray.
Another very good friend of mine, just had her first, adorable, baby girl. As before, her man came home with mine and his MOS changed. After being home for a short time, he went away to months of school in another state. He missed finding out that they were having a little pink bundle but, thankfully, he did make it home for the last months of her pregnancy and was here for her birth. However, he has another year long deployment staring him in the face. For the most part, his Army career has been a 'typical' one...home one year and gone the next. This year, he will miss so many of his baby girl's 'firsts'. He will not be here when she starts sitting up. He will miss her first steps and her first birthday. He will not hear her first word. My friend will have a love-hate relationship with these things. She will love that they are happening and will also grieve because of it. There will be a vast black hole in her life for yet another year and even the memories of these things will be tainted with the shadow of grief.
Sadly, I have many more but my last example is of a friend who's story is close to but longer than mine. She gave birth to her first baby boy on the day the men left for Iraq. Thankfully, her husband was able to stay but they did not know he would until, I believe, 48 hours before the scheduled departure time. Did I mention that she was in labor but had no baby at this point? With another gigantic thank you, Luke finally made his appearance after a long, horrendous labor and an emergency c-section. His Dad was able to stay for 2 or 3 weeks before meeting the 108th in Iraq. Deployment ended a little early and he was here for Luke's first birthday and was able to see his first 'official' steps but he missed everything in between. We wives called Luke our 'Deployment Baby'. We got excited every time he turned 1 month older because it meant we were one month closer to the end! Her and her Soldier now have their second baby boy, who is less than a month old, and guess what? Her husband has orders to Korea. He will be stationed there for at least a year but, what most people don't know is that Korea is not considered a deployment. It is a permanent duty station and it is possible for him to receive deployment orders while there and be gone for 2 years or longer. He missed everything with their first boy and now will miss everything again. Their second son will be around 2.5 months old when his Dad leaves and will be over a year when he returns, if no deployment orders are issued.
Again, words cannot express how happy I am to have my Soldier home but I also find guilt in my bliss. I mourn for my friends and I wish to take this burden and pain away from them. As a fellow Army wife, I know that I can 'understand' their pain but there is nothing that can be done about it. There are no comforting words to speak or letters to write. None of my hugs will replace his arms and, trust me, I will not be kissing them! I want to protect my friends from that horrible loneliness, the empty hole and the constant fear but I know I cannot.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)