Broken Trust

I don't know where you are
But I know where you've been.
I don't know the truth
But I know the lies.

I can't understand the reason.
I can't see the end.
I don't know this sorrowful road.
I can't see around it's curves.

I know your angry.
I know your hurt.
I've heard your excuses.
I know your deceit.

My trust broken.
My heart in turmoil.
My mind in fear.
My dreams shattered.

Saying Goodbye

Kyle, Sergio, Brandon

 
   One of the hardest aspects of military life is saying goodbye to friends. It happens all too often and does not get easier.

Kyle & Sergio- basic training

Kyle & Brandon-
just after arrival at Fort Bragg

Kyle & Sergio shared their
first and last airborne jump.

    Kyle, Brandon and Sergio have been together since day one of basic training. The three of them have shared everything from promotion ceremonies to golfing on the weekends. They've attended every major school and training event together. Kyle and Sergio had their first baby girls within 3 weeks of the each other. They have shared boring work days and a long, drawn-out deployment. They've shared the grief of missing home and family along with the exhilaration of falling out of the sky. They've sharpened each other and given aid when needed. They've become a strong, three-headed spear.

   As Sergio and his family leave for Colorado, goodbye is hard and unwelcome. However, there are many things that do not change. They are not only comrades, teammates and best friends. They are brothers. They share a bond and an understanding that few have experienced. There is no doubt that each would fight the other to take the bullet for him, no matter the distance between.

         

All proudly wearing the rank of SGT

 

Memorial Day 2013

   This Memorial Day, I see everyone thanking Soldiers, past and present. There is only one Soldier who has ever caught my eye and he is so much more than a Soldier to me. He is my best friend. He's my favorite person in the world. He's my husband. My Kyle.

    My husband is a strong, skilled Soldier. He's dedicated and sacrificial. He excels at his job and his training. You can't find a man more willing to lay down his life for his team. He is honorable and worthy of the praise he brushes off. Plus, he's an absolute stud in his uniform!!

   Still, he is so much more than that. He's the one who still makes my heart leap when he smiles. He's the only one who's kisses I crave. He's the one who's strength draws me in close and safe. He's the person that I want to spend every day of my life with. He's the man who is my confidant and security. He's the one who protects me. He is where I find peace in this world of turmoil. He is the one who fills the lonely, endless void in my world and makes me happy. He is and always will be my greatest treasure.

Our first MP Ball

 
   There is nobody like My Kyle and there is no one as proud of him as I am. I have witnessed first-hand the sacrifices he has made on behalf of myself and our country. These are things that I will be eternally be grateful for. I am proud to stand by his side and hold the title of Mrs. Jensen. I am honored to know that he loves me when he doesn't have to.

 The day he left me and Paige behind
to hold down the fort in Iraq.

    On this Memorial Day, I want to thank you, Mr. Jensen, for being the man who comes home every night. Thank you for working so feverishly to support our family. Thank you for holding my hand and bringing home flowers just because you want to. Thank you for loving me when I fail you!
 
   I also must say thank you to you, Sgt. Jensen. Thank you for volunteering to serve our nation. Thank for wearing your uniform with pride and upholding the standards of a true American Soldier. Thank you for choosing to put your life on the line so our children and I do not have to. Thank you for answering the Call of Defense.

I love you more than all the raindrops in the world!!!

Sisters

   Have you heard the news? Our newest addition has been confirmed as a baby girl! We're excited to welcome her into our clan and I can't wait to get to know her!
   I have always loved the differences between Paige and Taylor. In true sibling fashion, they could not be more opposite. I love the way that it comes naturally too. Paige absolutely loves anything sparkly but, shockingly, she's not into jewelry. Taylor has loved jewelry from day one, especially necklaces. I also love that they look nothing alike. I know quite a few people have found that statement odd but I know that if I had a sister, I wouldn't want to look just like her. Paige has been obnoxiously loud since she found her voice at a few weeks old and Taylor is calm and quiet. As quiet as she is though, Taylor is without a doubt, the adventurous and mischievous one. She attempts things at 15 months old that Paige won't even consider at nearly 3! Taylor has always been a little trailblazer and nothing is out of her reach. I love how brave and fearless she is! Paige is very, very timid and receives multiple heart attacks each day from Taylor's ramblings. I can't help but giggle at the way Taylor turns to look at her. It's a look that is all too familiar to the muscles in my own face... 'Seriously, what is the big deal? I can do this. Just watch me!'.
   Another huge difference is, Paige has always been a little momma. She loves any and all babies! She is so excited for our newest edition to get here and asks me every day why it's still in my belly. Taylor, on the other hand, is a jealous little thing. She can't stand for anybody to be in my lap, including Paige. Seriously, the girl will be on the other side of the room, playing happily with her back turned and then she realizes that Paige is in my lap or next to me. Oh boy! She will immediately drop whatever she's doing and make a beeline to my side. She will fuss and yell at Paige and if she doesn't move, Taylor will shove her out of the way. I don't think that kiddo is going to take a new baby sister attached to Momma happily!
   Like I said, I'm very excited to see what our newest girl will be like. I'm guessing, being a 3rd child myself, that she will be a mix of Paige and Taylor's tastes. I was always up for anything my completely opposite brothers were doing. I loved to fish like Ryan and I tried my best to play video games with Randy. Sadly for him, I'm the worst gamer in the world and I realized it early! Instead, I went outside and attempted skateboarding with Randy. Although I turned into a rollerblader, I was still on his heels on those ramps! I was my own person but I enjoyed both of their hobbies.
   Most of all though, I am looking forward to seeing who our newest one looks like. In my opinion, Paige looks like me now and Taylor looks like me as a child. They both had their Daddy's red hair when they were born but it's long gone now. I would love for our new girl to have red hair and hold on to it! I'm also ridiculously curious (and slightly scared!) to see how much this one will weigh at birth. Paige was 8lbs even and Taylor was 10.3lbs so I think baby girl has her options open!
    Well, thankfully, my curiosity won't last long. Barely 13 weeks left to go!

Anguish...I mean 'Pregnancy'

   When I had my first, I was pretty sure that I didn't like being pregnant. I made myself remain optimistic though because I realized at the time, there were a wide range of factors keeping me from having a clear head. Then, my second showed up and I knew that I legitimately hated being pregnant. Now, expecting my third, I have discovered that I don't hate pregnancy at all. I loathe it. Pregnancy is the most miserable thing ever and I'll tell you why...

~I am severely nauseated before the strip even turns pink and it intensifies as I get farther along. I've lost 10 pounds this time around simply because I can't even hold a saltine cracker down. Have you ever thrown up spaghetti?? I promise you can't even imagine what that is like.

~We've all heard that bogus line...'You look so good. You're glowing!'. No, lady, I'm not glowing. I'm sweating!

~I have an unexplainable rash that covers most of my body, itches like poison ivy, and looks like I have some kind of gross fungus. 

~I, who was once the queen of tan, sunburn faster than a redhead in Hawaii while pregnant. 

~Would you enjoy having to change your underwear every time you sneeze?

~I have a previous back injury and my joints ache the entire time. Don't even get me started on the pain in my pelvis and hips. 

~I'm not one of the ones who is 'blessed' with missing sleep toward the end because I'm uncomfortable. I have insomnia the entire 9 months or longer. 

~We will not even discuss my going down the detergent aisle and I firmly believe that Yankee Candle is Satan's morning breath when I'm pregnant. 

~Make sure you always have a regular strength Tylenol ready for my headache, TUMS for my heartburn and do not leave the house for an hour without 3-4 snacks and some apple juice. 

~I should be in a nursing home with all of the other patients suffering from memory loss. 

~Would you consider it fun to feel like you have the Amazon River raging in your bladder only to realize that it's just the St. John's Creek?

~With my first two, I didn't have a single craving. There was nothing that I wanted other than sugar but since sugar is my cocaine, that wasn't anything abnormal. However, this time around, I have one craving. One ridiculously gross craving...hotdogs. I've eaten perhaps 4 hotdogs in the the last 5 years and now I want one so bad that my mouth waters. Really?! I don't even like hotdogs! Can you imagine how horrible it would be to throw one of those up?! I do believe that I shall resist said craving even if it's the death of me. 

~Seriously, why do severe leg cramps only occur between 1 & 4am? Ever heard of 3 o'clock in the afternoon??

~Stretch marks and weight gain don't need to be discussed. Ankles? Who has ankles?

~One blessing I have received in pregnancy is that I have never had diabetes. However, I absolutely cannot allow myself to get hungry. My blood sugar drops so low and so fast when I get the least bit munchy, that I often have to sit down immediately. My legs turn into Jell-O and I am so weak that I have a hard time focusing. My head spins and I will be weak and unsteady for the rest of the day, especially if I can't keep food down. It is incredible how quickly I can bottom out and there is minimal hope of return.

   People always look at me like I have 3 heads when they hear about my hatred of pregnancy. Well, do you get it now?? It is not and has never been a pleasant experience for me. I have no doubt that people also wonder why I'm still having children if pregnancy is that miserable. Well, that is simple. Have you ever heard someone say, "You'll forget all the pain of labor once you hold that baby for the first time."? I think that saying is ridiculous. I haven't found that to be true of labor pain or pregnancy. I hate being pregnant, I know it and will not forget it until my dying day. However, I love my children. I am blessed and honored to be their mother! I am flabbergasted that God finds me worthy of raising His children and astounded that He's willing to give me more! I have always wanted a big family and greatly anticipate the day that all of our children are here. I enjoy my family and my children are my jewels. It is difficult to carry them and hard to tend to their every need. However, I know that this is a short phase in our life and soon, we will move on to something else. That is what I choose to focus on. The truth is that I wouldn't make it through another pregnancy if I didn't know there was a pot of gold at the end. 
   My hubby has always said he wants 4 kiddos and if that is the number we settle on, I'll have made it through 3 out of 4 in August! *Whew* 

March Status Report

   Hi strangers!! A lot has changed with our little family since the last time I wrote. It seems like I've opened a lot of entries like that lately.
   We're doing well! We are now living in Lillington. We've found a rental house out here that is considerably cheaper than our apartment and we are enjoying it so much! However, I would very much like spring to show up so that we can finally enjoy our yard. How I hate the cold and this year it just can't seem to make up it's mind.
   Our girls continue to grow like weeds. We've been having a rough time with Paige lately. She's been sick for over a month and we have no idea what is going on. As most of you are also mothers, you can understand how ridiculously frustrating that is. I can't seem to make any sense of her symptoms and neither can her doctor. The girl will be totally fine and then she will throw and run a fever for a few days. After her fever fades away, she will be fine for 5-6 days and then it will start over again. Her appetite is nearly nonexistent most days and she has off and on diarrhea. We're also having a very hard time with her getting out of bed at night. I feel like it is something I could easily fix but I'm not sure how to go about that when her fever or nausea will randomly sneak up on her in the middle of the night. I've taken her for blood tests and collected stool samples. They are looking into a parasite because blood tests for Rotavirus and other infections are negative. We have also been referred to a 'gastro-something I can't pronounce' and are waiting for an appointment.  As you can see, it's annoying and we are dying for an answer. Our girl is clearly sick but we can't help her. Ughhh!!!! In the mean time, since she is also fighting pink eye, I'm pumping her full of probiotics and every other good thing I can find!
   As for Taylor, she's doing well. She has had some diarrhea but has none of Paige's other symptoms so I'm blaming hers on teething. As I've said before, teething has never been a kind process to the poor girl. She currently has 4 jaw teeth pushing through and another canine on it's way. I don't know why that child can't do anything on a small scale! Her weight seems to broken even in the mid twenties but her legs don't seem to be getting the message. She was the average height of an 18 month old at less then 13 months. She's now just over 14 months and her 18 months clothes are snug and too short. That's another reason that I'm hoping for warm weather soon. I have an entire wardrobe of 24 months and 2T clothes but not one piece of it is cold weather stuff. Come on, spring, I need you here!!!
   My pregnancy is going well, if you can call it that. I'm as nauseated as ever but I've found some things to ease it. Nothing makes it disappear but I wasn't expecting that. I had my first ultrasound done last Saturday and, at 20 weeks, everything looks great. We still aren't sure what we're having though. The ultrasound tech tried so hard to see the sex of the baby but that youngin is curled up in a ball and absolutely refused to move. When I say the lady tried, I mean she really tried! There were a couple of times that I had to ask her to stop pushing on my stomach so hard. She did get a very hazy picture and guessed that it is a baby girl but said that she couldn't give me a definite answer. We assumed that it would be a very long time before we could get another ultrasound scheduled but I got a call from my doc today and she said that we have to have another one done soon because some of the pictures are not good enough. Fingers crossed for try number 2! On the upside, I've been feeling life for a few weeks now and those kicks are steadily getting stronger. That will always be the strangest, most amazing feeling ever!
   My hubby is doing good. He's been training hard lately and will be out of town for next couple of weeks. He will get weekends at home though and I always appreciate that! It always reminds me of what it's like to miss that man for too long. Kyle will be preparing to get out of the Army in December so he is always busy on his hunt for another job. We don't have a solid direction from God but we have a couple of possibilities to explore. We're both excited and nervous to begin another chapter. The Army is all we've ever known and we aren't sure how to be regular civilians but we know that we serve a mighty God who knows exactly what He's doing!
   In short, our life is chugging along. There are a lot more details to it than what I've written here but I'll fill you in on those later. Bye bye, pals!

Black Mark on My Soul

I am a writer to my core.
But when my thoughts turn to you,
All words are swept away.
I feel the harsh sting of grief.
I sense the endless pit of sorrow.
I cannot bring myself to write of you.
I refuse to utter our final goodbye.
You remain forever
A black mark on my soul.